Cara Famiglia,
Mom sent me a few thoughts that I really liked and would like to respond to. Even though I have not have time to read all of the copies you sent, I liked one phrase from one of the 7 Habits: Habit 1- to Be Proactive. It says, "Being proactive is more than taking initiative. It is accepting responsibility for our own behavior (past, present and future) and making choices based on PRINCIPLE AND VALUES rather than on MOODS or CIRCUMSTANCES...Proactive people...resolve to be the creative force in their own lives, which is the most fundamental decision anyone ever makes." Words of wisdom. This principle goes in line with something else she handwrote me. In relation to strong emotions/feelings of love, excitement or promptings from the Spirit she wrote, "Just remember, that in all relationships, there are times when those feelings are soo incredibly strong and then times when they're not felt as easily, in a way they feel dormant in our souls, but with time, that love deepens. I believe (may I substitute) we all experiences these phases. Sometimes we grow most when we're not feeling that love as much. It's good to ask ourselves, "What should I be doing to get more out of this experience...or better yet, to add to it?" Very true, very profound.
As I have reflected on my experiences and my missionary work in the last few weeks, I feel as if I've been in a sort of limbo...It's been hard for me to distinguish the promptings and influence of the Spirit. It's been hard for me to feel those "spiritual highs". While I do not need to feel really good all the time to do the right thing, I have been missing that closeness, that sweetness of the Spirit. My desire and love for the work has dropped. Last week, I felt a bit of frustration because it seemed to me as if we were teaching the exact same thing, the same lessons, the same phrases to people over and over again.
But as I have proactively tried to take more time in the mornings and in the night to read and ponder in the Book of Mormon, my testimony and knowledge of the gospel has grown. My desire is revived and it is a joy to share the gospel with others every minute. It is amazing how much there is to learn in the Book of Mormon. I am beginning to love the stories and the characters more than ever before. As my companion and I are becoming more familiar with its pages, we are clearly relating the principles and events to the people we meet in a more powerful and personal way. Sorella Walton and I are now writing down a list of well thought out, good questions that we can use for each principle we teach. This has made a huge difference in the lessons! We are able to teach more simply, briefly and also get our investigators to relate the gospel to them. As we are trying to improve our teaching skills, preparing lessons and teaching them has become more alive and exciting!
Even though I wasn't really sinning, per se, I am grateful for the loss of the Spirit, that prompted me to grow more...to seek out the Lord and to improve myself as a missionary so that I can be a more effective and in tune servant. For the past few days, we've been running into some people who have very complex questions, and very little faith. As we've talked to them, and they pose really difficult questions, our testimonies and knowledge has helped us to be prepared to respond simply and powerfully...and the Spirit has definately helped us to know what to say! It's incredible. Such a joy to see these atheists, really, really intelligent people listen, pause, ponder and...get it! Not that our desire is to Bible bash or to stump them by any means, but they feel the Spirit and they respond, "Wow. I have never thought about God like that before. You have really answered my question in an interesting way." It changes their ideas and they repent to a certain extent.
Anyway, I know that the main teacher is the Spirit, and we can do nothing without his presence. I am grateful for the simplicity of the gospel so that all people, of any age, race or level of education can understand it, and follow and live it. Read 1 Nephi 3:7, 2 Nephi 26:33. I know that we cannot convert others beyond our own personal conversion. I am grateful for the challenge that we have in life to continue to grow and learn and improve ourselves, until perfection. Hardships, our times of "limbo"/loss of desire prompt us to exercise our free agency and to grow all the more. I know that our faith grows when we do things with all our hearts for the right reasons, especially when we do not feel the desire or see the amazing results. Daily, continuous growth brings the most results in our personal conversion. The phases of pain and suffering are opportunities to accelerate this growth all the more!
Alright, just for a few updates. Alexander did not show up to church last week, so we are postponing his baptismal date for a few more weeks. He has is not completely committed yet, so we will work with him. The last thing we want to do is baptize a less active so it will be better to wait. None of our investigators are really progressing right now...it's been really sad and frustrating. But Sorella Walton and I feel peace that we are doing our part, and are continuing to strengthen our personal testimonies and missionary skills so that we can better encourage them to make changes and covenants in their lives. We are truly becoming more patient, grateful, faithful, especially because we've made a goal to not utter a word of complaint. It's amazing, I am finding that many things that were once annoyances do not affect me anymore. Wow, not murmuring really does increase our faith! That's like...one of the first principles we learn in the Book of Mormon. Imagine that.
I want to pose a free-response question to y'all: How can we teach our children to recognize the Spirit in their lives? How can parents help our children to recognize that they do have a personal testimony?
Wow, I am writing a long letter today...you do not have to read this all. I want to send what I have sent to my mission President this week.
1. My favorite thing about Sorella Walton is she lets me hold her hand in public! Well, actually we link arms. But it really is a boost to keep walking during the hard times. I do not feel like I am alone in this work.
2. On Sunday, none of our investigators, including the one who has a baptismal date, showed up in church. When we realized that no one was coming on Sunday morning, my companion and I felt kind of low and disappointed. But we talked about it, and consciously decided that we were going to accept the Lord's peace that we were doing our part, and that good results would come of our desires and hard work. The person who was going to give us a ride to church had a hard time waking up and came an hour late. While we were waiting outside, an inactive members happened to pass by us and we were able to have a good conversation with him. We bore powerful testimony that the Savior wants this man to turn back to Him, and that he needs the gospel in his life. This person became quiet, took out the cigarette from his mouth and looked like he had been hit by the Spirit. For a moment, you could see the sorrow in his face, as if he was considering repentance and coming back to the Savior. But after that brief moment, he brushed his feelings off and smiled and walked away. I was grateful for the opportunity to do the work of the Lord, to invite him to repent. I know that the Spirit touched his heart, and that he will not forget those two minutes in which we talked. If we had not been late to church, we would not have met him. The Lord always prepares opportunities for us to do His work, even if they are back up plans!
As we arrived at church, our ward members greeted us in love, which was a big relief. One of the hardest pressures as a missionary are the expectations and judgements of ward members and the leaders. We found four investigators in church! Two of them were in church for the first time. Even though these were different people than what we had expected or wanted, the Lord provided the exact same amount of investigators as we had planned to be present in church! The tender mercies of the Lord.
I have learned a lot about the definition of faith this week. I now believe that having faith means that after all that we can do, we have peace and patience in the timing of the Lord, and then choose to 1)recognize and 2)accept the blessings that HE GIVES. Meaning that we recognize the blessings that he gives us as result of our work, even if they are not the same ones that we had hoped for or expected. These indirect blessings help us to realize that the Lord is actually in the middle of it all! We do not earn anything ourselves. In the end, Heavenly Father is the one who gives us all that we have. He loves us so much. He loves us so much that He does not always allow us to earn things the easy way. He requires us to improve ourselves and to give all that we have. The numbers are not His work and His glory- we are. All of the numbers and our experiences, and our work are instruments to grow ourselves. To help us become like Him.
All my love,
Sorella Oakes
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